December 24, 2012 (Christmas Eve: Special Edition)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the states,
An elite group of men was deciding our fates.
They gathered from Maine and New York and Nebraska,
From Texas, Hawaii and even Alaska.
And sat in a building in Washington D.C.
To write up a tax plan for you and for me!

Now, each party knew it would take some concessions
To avoid slipping into a second recession,
But they're all mature and pragmatic adults!
I'm sure they'll be able to reach a result
That allows every woman and man in this nation
Some deserved peace of mind on their Christmas vacation.

The Democrats called on their leader, Obama,
To stand up for middle class daddies and mommas,
By asking the wealthy to pay slightly more
On their taxes, instead of just banking offshore.
But the rich did protest, "If our taxes get higher,"
"We’ll light this whole motherfucking country on fire!"

And so the Republicans took to defending
The rich by attacking our government spending.
"It's out of control!" they were quick to declare,
"Make some cuts, and then maybe we'll pay our fair share."

Now, if you think this can't get any insaner,
Let me tell you good folks about Speaker John Boehner.
The Republican leader whose bright orange tan
Would fool the most fickle of basketball fans
Into thinking that he was a worn leather ball,
Instead of a man you'd elect in the fall.

And so they took sides, and the battle was set
For a Washington showdown we'd never forget.
They knew that they needed to work all the faster
So we might avert this financial disaster--

But then they started talking...

And boy, what a fright
Did they rouse, to the media's horrid delight!
"Democrats? Republicans? They'll never agree!
Just watch out our award-winning coverage and see
What is certain to take us to news ratings heaven!
Plus weather and sports—all that at 11."

"Fair taxes!" said the Left wing. "Spend less!" said the Right.
Oh, their bickering lasted well into the night.
But rather than bargain and come to a deal,
And consider how decent Americans feel
The leaders in Washington postured and posed,
And showed just how tightly a mind can be closed.

And just when it seemed like all hope had been lost
And that we would all pay the deepest of costs,
And that we were doomed to financial despair...
A strange but familiar sound pierced through the air.

They all turned and looked, and well, wouldn't ya know,
It's a fat guy in red calling out, "Ho Ho Ho!!!"
And even Old Boehner dropped his orange Fanta
At the sight of the one...and the only...Santa.

He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name,
"Obama and Boehner! Pelosi! McCain!"
And the lawmakers gathered and huddled up tight
To hear what St. Nicklaus would tell them that night.

They all held their breath and their eyes were all gazing,
But what happened next? Why, it's simply amazing:
"You dumb motherfuckers!" he said with a shout,
"Is this really what you were all fighting about?
About helping the elderly get medication,
Or saving the poor from a life of starvation?
And all it would us take to reach a solution
Is wealthy folks making a small contribution?
Is this really a question? Are you truly that stupid?
You're all pretty, but dumb. What is this, OKCupid?
Let poor people eat! Let the old see physicians!
These ideas don’t require a grand inquisition."

A silence fell over the whole of the room
As they waited to see if debate would resume.
And Santa looked every man square in the eye
As he patiently waited to hear their reply.

"He's right!" said John Boehner. "What on Earth were we drinking
When we let Grover Norquist do all of our thinking?"

And all of the congressmen quickly agreed
That the right thing to do is to help those in need.
It was put to a vote, and they all shouted out "Aye!"
And Obama did sign it, and of course Boehner cried.
And they waved bye to Santa as he took to flight.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

...But wait! Is this truly the end of our story?
With agreements and merriment? Civility and glory?
No, it wouldn’t be Washington if it were that easy—
Our political dealings are much, much too sleazy.
But just 'cause it’s a fiction doesn't mean it's a lie,
And we won’t reach a bargain if our leaders don't try.
So though it just might take Santa to settle this tiff,
Let's all celebrate Christmas, then dive off the cliff.

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