In its first weekend of sales, Apple sold more than 5 million new iPhones. The new iPhones come with a larger screen, thinner body, and a powerful new battery than runs on the tears of the 345 million Americans who don't yet own an iPhone 5. Despite the record-setting sales, analysts are reportedly disappointed with the numbers, although who can really blame them—numbers are the worst. I mean, what's up with 11? Three syllables? Who do you think you are, 26?