August 9, 2011

Stocks plummeted across the globe yesterday in light of new fears about the economy—particularly S&P's decision to downgrade the United States' credit rating. Nearly every American company listed on the New York Stock Exchange saw its stock decrease in value, save one Ohio business that specializes in downward-pointing arrows.

The U.S. House of Representatives announced yesterday it will be ending its 180-year-old Page Program. In their announcement, congressmen cited the high cost of the program, as well as the increasingly low cost of Washington-area prostitutes.

A new study finds that more than 90 percent of preschool lunches that are packed at home reach an unsafe temperature before lunchtime. The lesson, as always: do not feed your preschooler.

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