Monday

July 4, 2011

Bankrupt bookseller Borders has agreed to sell itself to a private investment firm for $215 million, in what is no doubt great news for homeless people and bathroom seekers everywhere.

Zynga, creator of the online game FarmVille, has announced an IPO in which it hopes to raise $1 billion. Experts say all of your friends will buy the stock, then pester you incessantly to also get the stock so they can get, like, a fake barn or some corn or something-- IT'S NOT A REAL FARM! STOP ASKING ME TO JOIN YOUR STUPID FAKE FARM!

...Sorry about that. Anyway.

Lawmakers in Britain are looking to slash taxpayer funding of that country's royal family by nearly 10 percent over the next four years. In response, Queen Elizabeth waived, then did something really old and outdated.

Happy 4th of July, America! To everyone else, please enjoy whatever day it is in your "country."

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