July 25, 2011

At long last, a potential national nightmare is over. After much bickering and posturing from both sides, a crucial deal has been reached that should bring peace of mind to millions of Americans all across the country. Yes, some grew jaded by the talk of so many billions of dollars, frustrated by the knowledge that the absence of an agreement could threaten the very fabric of our great nation. But for those who never lost hope, your faith has been rewarded. Because today, thanks to the tireless work of many, the NFL lockout will finally come to an end!

Many are outraged after it revealed Florida taxpayers will be footing the bill for nearly $125,000 in legal defense fees accumulated by Casey Anthony during her murder trial. So cheer up, Florida: in a sense, it's like you got away with murder now, too!

The F.E.C. ruled yesterday that former Democratic Vice Presidential candidate and current scumbag John Edwards must pay the government more than $2 million for misusing campaign funds to help cover up an extramarital affair with a campaign worker. Said Edwards, "No worries, my wife had some amazing life insurance."

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