July 20, 2011

New York City has decided to cap the number of weddings that may be held clerk's offices this Sunday at 764, in light of record demand due the legalization of same-sex marriage. And just like that, the predictions have come true: the gays have ruined marriage for everyone else...who wanted to get married at a New York City clerk's office this Sunday.

A new study shows that 60 percent of all students in Texas have been suspended or expelled by the time they graduate high school. Which seems bad at first, but only until you find out the other 40 percent of students got the death penalty.

The CDC says it has discovered a new strain of drug-resistant Gonorrhea that it has nicknamed "Super Clap." Because if you want to draw attention to a new disease, name it something that sounds like the world's worst superhero.

A Harvard University fellowship student studying ethics has been charged with hacking into the MIT computer network and stealing nearly five million articles. But on the plus side, he is now qualified to work for News Corp.

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