July 19, 2011

Unable to find a buyer, Borders announced yesterday it will be closing all of its 400 remaining stores. The move puts 11,000 people out of work, most of whom will now spend their days like the majority of unemployed people: loitering inside a Barnes and Noble.

Republican presidential "candidate" Herman Cain said Sunday that communities should have the right to ban mosques. Replied Muslim leaders, "Wait, who is Herman Cain?"

A 61-year-old Colorado woman has been accused of groping a TSA agent at an airport in Arizona. The woman is facing assault charges, but should have no problem paying her legal bills thanks to her new job as a TSA agent.

A new study shows teenagers prefer drinks with caffeine. When asked for comment, one local teen said "OHMYGODICANNOTBELIEVEITTHATISSOCOOLILOVESTUDIESTWILIGHTLOL!"

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