July 1, 2011

President Obama surprised outgoing Defense Secretary Robert Gates yesterday by awarding him the Medal of Freedom. The medal narrowly beat out Obama's other go-to surprise idea: shooting Gates in the eye, then dumping his body in the ocean.

In a sad moment for comedians and crazy people everywhere, last night marked the final episode of "Glenn Beck" on Fox News. Beck said he is looking forward to spending more time uncovering vast conspiracies within his family.

MSNBC has suspended political analyst Mark Halperin after Halperin said he thought President Obama was acting like "kind of a dick." BREAKING NEWS: Fox News has just offered Mark Halperin a multi-year contract.

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