March 10, 2011

In a shocking move, Republican state senators in Wisconsin voted Wednesday night to revoke the collective bargaining rights of public workers after discovering a way to bypass the need for a quorum. The news is tragic for people like teachers, but can you imagine how awesome it must be to be a student at a Wisconsin high school right now? "Timmy, I really need you to turn in your homework--" "Or what, Mrs. Applebee, you'll collectively bargain against me? Pshh, yeah, I don't think so. Whatever, Imma go get a handjob..." Oh, high school.

Yesterday, Illinois became the 16th state to ban the death penalty, which if you ask me just takes all of the fun out of violent crime.

The spaceshuttle Discovery concluded its final mission yesterday. Thank god—all that "dreaming" and "reaching for the stars" was getting really exhausting.

Former Speaker of the House and potential Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said his marital infidelity was driven in part by "how passionately I felt about this country." Man, so that Tiger Woods must be one patriotic motherfucker, huh?

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