Rock band The White Stripes has broken up. In a statement posted on its website, the band said it does not feel it has a place here in Obama's post-racial America.
The EPA announced yesterday it will impose new limits on toxic chemicals in drinking water, including the first standards for perchlorate, a compound found in fireworks and rocket fuel. So there you have it, folks: It is once again safe to light yourself on fire after drinking tap water! No more shall we fear the unnecessary threat of shooting high into the air from self-inflicted incineration. No, from now on, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—and third-degree burns. USA! USA! USA!