February 3, 2011

The controversial website WikiLeaks has been nominated for the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize. Which, if history is any indication, means absolutely nothing.

Rock band The White Stripes has broken up. In a statement posted on its website, the band said it does not feel it has a place here in Obama's post-racial America.

The EPA announced yesterday it will impose new limits on toxic chemicals in drinking water, including the first standards for perchlorate, a compound found in fireworks and rocket fuel. So there you have it, folks: It is once again safe to light yourself on fire after drinking tap water! No more shall we fear the unnecessary threat of shooting high into the air from self-inflicted incineration. No, from now on, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—and third-degree burns. USA! USA! USA!

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