As thousands of Egyptian protesters have taken to the streets in an effort to oust President Hosni Mubarak, the Egyptian government has ordered the suspension of Internet service to much of the country. Which, if you think about it, is kind of a terrible move, since the Internet is pretty much the best way to distract people from doing things like "going outside" and "interacting with other people." The government is expected to quickly learn from its mistake, and instead make Angry Birds Egypt's only accessible site.
Meanwhile, back in the U.S., Indiana Rep. Mike Pence said he will not seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2012. The announcement ends weeks of speculation over who the fuck Mike Pence is.
The Illinois Supreme Court ruled Thursday that former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can run for mayor of Chicago. In the unanimous ruling, the justices said Emanuel met pre-existing residency requirements and please, don't hurt us, just take anything you want and leave but please don't hurt us.
Jay Carney, a former journalist for Time magazine, has been named the new White House press secretary, replacing Robert Gibbs. Carney said he looks forward to having his words misconstrued by Fox News for years to come.